When I Grow Up…


MAKE SURE TO READ MOMS REPLY BELOW THE PICTURE

 

when I grow up

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it. Sarah¢s picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.


Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

 

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Guts/Balls


I hope this clears up any confusion:
There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the nerve to say:
‘You’re next, Chubby.’

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

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The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart


50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.

Canadians plant gardens.

 

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won’t start
Canadians drive with the windows down

 

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

 

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last BBQ of the season.

 

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

 

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

 

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg

 


-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying “cold, eh?”

 

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup

 

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The Theory of Intelligence……

 

 

The Theory of Intelligence……

 I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

 

the theory of intelligence

 

‘Well you see Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’

 

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